In the midst of all

So I'm in the midst of the med school application season. I waited 2 years to do this, to finally get the guts to apply to med school. Why the wait? For one, I just didn't feel ready. I didn't have the MCAT score I wanted. I didn't feel finished with UCI. I wanted to give research another shot. 

Excuses?

But perhaps the main reason why I waited was because I didn't have a good reason to be a doctor, let alone apply to med school (which is an adventure and a full time job on its own). Or I guess we should be honest. I was afraid to want something. And work hard for something. And fail. And at the end of the day, be disappointed in myself, and worst of all, disappoint everyone else. 

I never really knew what I wanted to do with my life. When my parents asked me, or relatives or friends asked, I would give them the automated answer, "I want to go into medicine and become a doctor." The clouds would part, and the heavens would rejoice. And the questions would stop. But the joke was on them. 

Or maybe on me? Because the truth is...I want this. I want this so much that I'm afraid of it. Afraid that it'll change who I am, afraid that it will change my goals, that I won't have enough time for everything else.

But I know in the hidden closets of my heart, this is God's purpose for my life. Underneath the insecurities, the questions, there is a deep, deep reassurance that He's placed in my life. I want to do great things, go places, reach people, go where He leads me. I want to be a woman of faith. and strength. I want to have a successful career that is more that working for a big HMO hospital. I want to know my patients, practice real medicine, go global. I want to treat underserved communities and stand for their basic right to healthcare. At the end of the day, the heart of this profession isn't about the glamour or the position or the money. That is what I've discovered. My reasons have nothing to do with that. And for the first time, I know I'm on the right track.

What else do I want? I want a family. I want to marry a man who will understand me and my goals, who will support me and at the end of the day, pray with me and just love me. I want kids, I've always wanted kids. I want to teach them and support them, be their biggest ally, their role model and friend. I want them to be less afraid that I am, and to be more of themselves. 

Haha one step at a time. Let's get through these applications first. 

 

Thank you Jesus.

old habits die hard

So I'm sitting here in the library, cramming for the mcats..why yet again. Cramming? For the MCATS? Yes, my study techniques from those elementary vocab tests seem to be tried and true (hopefully) because studying any other way (the prepared, consistent, grown up way) doesn't seem to work with me.

I'm sure I'll learn the lesson of being prepared the hard way....or the harder way. (Cuz I can't help but feel like this is kicking my butt). But whatever, bring it. It is surely just a test.

The first of many, actually. So might as well conquer this one.

Though I'm looking forward to one certain aspect. I'll have many overstudied and underslept comrades studying for the same board exams in the future. Yay. Because spending 8 hours in a library alone, studying for this test alone, gets to you. The lonliness is palpable when its just you and your mcat book. And it feels like nobody else understands.

I just can't wait until this phase of my life is over.

Let's give this another shot, shall we?

So I'm in the midst of my 20's.....enjoying, loving, at times scorning, resenting, but always living...life. I've realized that these years will be the most challenging and yet fleeting years, and therefore, I must document them every way I can. SOo....here's to the next note-worthy (or not so note-worthy) event...either way, its mine.