In the midst of all

So I'm in the midst of the med school application season. I waited 2 years to do this, to finally get the guts to apply to med school. Why the wait? For one, I just didn't feel ready. I didn't have the MCAT score I wanted. I didn't feel finished with UCI. I wanted to give research another shot. 

Excuses?

But perhaps the main reason why I waited was because I didn't have a good reason to be a doctor, let alone apply to med school (which is an adventure and a full time job on its own). Or I guess we should be honest. I was afraid to want something. And work hard for something. And fail. And at the end of the day, be disappointed in myself, and worst of all, disappoint everyone else. 

I never really knew what I wanted to do with my life. When my parents asked me, or relatives or friends asked, I would give them the automated answer, "I want to go into medicine and become a doctor." The clouds would part, and the heavens would rejoice. And the questions would stop. But the joke was on them. 

Or maybe on me? Because the truth is...I want this. I want this so much that I'm afraid of it. Afraid that it'll change who I am, afraid that it will change my goals, that I won't have enough time for everything else.

But I know in the hidden closets of my heart, this is God's purpose for my life. Underneath the insecurities, the questions, there is a deep, deep reassurance that He's placed in my life. I want to do great things, go places, reach people, go where He leads me. I want to be a woman of faith. and strength. I want to have a successful career that is more that working for a big HMO hospital. I want to know my patients, practice real medicine, go global. I want to treat underserved communities and stand for their basic right to healthcare. At the end of the day, the heart of this profession isn't about the glamour or the position or the money. That is what I've discovered. My reasons have nothing to do with that. And for the first time, I know I'm on the right track.

What else do I want? I want a family. I want to marry a man who will understand me and my goals, who will support me and at the end of the day, pray with me and just love me. I want kids, I've always wanted kids. I want to teach them and support them, be their biggest ally, their role model and friend. I want them to be less afraid that I am, and to be more of themselves. 

Haha one step at a time. Let's get through these applications first. 

 

Thank you Jesus.